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Lost in the Forest -----> Has Moved! 

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Ghosts...

When we were swapping the flat around to allow more space for me to work from I found an undeveloped Holga film. I had absolutely no recollection of when it was from or where it was shot, so took it to be processed half thinking it wouldn't come out very well (if at all).
I was slightly surprised to find pictures of my ex boyfriend in here...but at least it dates the film somewhat to over 3 years ago. It's on a trip to Slains Castle which is possibly one of my favourite places ever.

Double & triple exposed, cross processed slide film. Fuji Velviva 100f

Hello there! Long time no see. I've been having proper time off. It's been tough, it still is tough. Some days, like the past two, I've pretty much just slept, or fought the urge to sleep, and ached. A delayed consequence of a night out celebrating a friends birthday. Other days, I'm OK and can manage to get out and about and do things...slowly.
I believe it was not long after my last post that I finally gave in and didn't return to work after my break. I visited the doctor and demanded the doctors take note of how awful I was feeling. I saw doctor after doctor, and had blood test after blood test resulting in nothing. I was sent for scans, nothing. They dismissed me and said 'these things tend to get better by themselves'. Thanks, thanks for that. Needless to say they didn't. I had no idea (actually, probably a lie there, I had a vague idea) of what was wrong with me, or how to manage how I was feeling, or the effects of doing things. After an ovarian scan I finally gave up with the doctors, they were (in my opinion) completely looking at the wrong thing. Maybe it was required to rule things out, but to me it just seemed unnecessary - but, on the positive side my ovaries are fine!
I returned to the doctors eventually, I wrote it all down, a little list/story about how I felt, symptoms, how it had affected me, my life, my business over the past few (six at this point) months. And finally they took notice! I'm not sure whether it was a help or hindrance that I saw a different doctor on pretty much every occasion I visited, the perils of a shared practice with a less than fabulous appointments system. I could see somebody new tomorrow (if I phoned at exactly 8am), but would have to wait 2-3 weeks to see the same doctor. But, this one actually listened to me, didn't try to tell me I was just depressed/stressed or focus on one tiny symptom, or tell me it was nothing, she refused to take any more bloods (thank goodness!). However, she also refused to diagnose me. She said something along the lines of 'it sounds like post-viral fatigue syndrome, but due to the connotations of that label I'm not going to diagnose it....Lets focus on getting you better rather than why you're ill' She then told me briefly about pacing as she stood up and ushered me from the room. Sorry, times up! Yeah, thanks again.

So, over the past couple of months I've been self-managing with information I've found on the internet about post viral fatigue, pacing, diet etc. Not the most ideal situation really, but I really needed a little time off from doctors surgeries. I'm obviously being rather choosy about which information I follow, there's a lot out there, most of it completely over the top, panic-stricken nonsense. But then, if everybody has received the same amount of assistance as me, then it's not really that surprising...

Anyhoo. The prognosis is good, I remain upbeat and positive most of the time, although obviously my entire life pretty much collapsed for a moment there, so you know, I've not been smiling the whole time! I've been managing to do more over the last month or so, even though some days, as the last two I can't really do anything. It's all part of the learning process however. The next big hurdle is working. I've been managing little bits and pieces over the last few weeks, but in 2 weeks I start an actual job. It's only two days a week, and they know that I have this 'condition', they've been very supportive throughout the application and interview process and have said they'll make adjustments if needed, so we'll see how that goes! Hopefully well, and hopefully I'll start having good days more often, good days that feel like I used to would be amazing, but lets not get ahead of ourselves!

I've just read back my last few blog posts and think I've repeated some of what I'd posted previously, however, it's quite nice to have it all in one place, for me anyway. I've also noticed they're all quite miserable 'ugh, I'm ill' posts. And this will be the last hopefully. Normal service, or maybe even improved service will resume!

All change! You may notice I've had a little mess around with the design of the blog, with the help of puglypixel.

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Well, one week later, what have I accomplished?

• A fantastically snotty cold, complete with a couple of days in bed and the rest of the week feeling rather ill. 
• A day spent in a post-cold haze having my hair cut (2 hours spent in front of a mirror looking rather dead does not do wonders for the self-esteem) and having lunch with my boy at a very nice French place. 
• A day spent with my nephew - at home whilst he was sick. We still had fun however, watching Peppa Pig, doing puzzles, playing with Play-Doh, Skyping with my sister and eating soup (and cake). This was after a brief period of screaming because silly aunty Emily had left his treasured Peppa Pig wellies in the pushchair downstairs (I didn't realise he was wearing them, he came out of the pushchair sans wellies so I just presumed in my sisters rush to get out that morning they hadn't bothered to put them on). They were retrieved and all was well. 
• No sewing, no reading, no friends visiting, no beaches and no photos. I should not plan perhaps, when I'm this prone to illness?

I have however discovered Pinterest and keep dipping in and out when I have a little spare time. It's rather lovely having little digital pinboards, much easier and organised than saving your favourite images to your computer where, on mine anyway, things get lost and end up without a source. And you get to share what's in your brain and discover what's in other peoples too. I have some free invites if you'd like one?

a holiday?

Today I am in the shop. It's very quiet today, with only the occasional visitor and passer by (is something happening that I don't know about?). I'm nursing a cold, drinking copious amounts of coffee, alternating between ibuprofen and paracetamol and listening to Joy Division. I am also preparing for a (whispers...) holiday. Hooray! I have finally allowed myself a proper bit of time off for some rest, relaxation and hopefully recuperation. It's been an awfully long time since I had time off, even at Christmas I only took 3 days off and then I was ill, and travelling, and chasing my nephew around my parents house, and cooking Christmas dinner....It's by no means a proper holiday, I shall not be off sunning myself anywhere, it will very much be a holiday at home. Doing nothing. 


So, in the spirit of doing nothing for a week I have umm....written a list of things I want to do....I think it's impossible for me to do nothing, I'm really not one for sitting around which may well be my problem...anyhoo. The list. 

• Take my nephew to Gorgie City Farm/The Park/The Zoo (I may have to check with his mother first....)
• Make at least one new dress. 
• Take some photos
• Go to the beach
• Have lunch somewhere nice with Jonny
• Read The Birds & Other Stories by Daphne Du Maurier which I bought over a year ago and haven't even started
• Spend some time with Claira before she absconds to Sheffield. 

I'd also love to visit a castle, go charity shopping, read blogs, visit (more) friends, learn to crochet, make some jewellery, paint, have a picnic, discover some new music, go to the Edinburghs hidden Wild West village , start making a quilt, go for afternoon tea....but you know, I only have a week, so I'm willing to forego these things and just rest as much as I possibly can so I can get back to work with a clear head and fresh ideas! 

A cross stitched car followed by a random outpouring brought on by being in the house alone for 4 days with only the company of cats who insist on waking you up at 4.30am...

Cross stitched car....stunning! I just discovered the work of Severija Incirauskaite-Kriauneviciene via Embroidery as Art. 


I started a blog post last night which ended up being an apology for not blogging....so I deleted it! I do need to start blogging again tho, if only to share the amazing things I stumble across on the interwebs. I've not really been making a great deal recently. Over the past few months I've kind of lost my creative mojo...everything I've started has frustrated me to the point of giving up, usually because that thing I need is at such and such rather than here, or I start and then leave it somewhere half finished forgetting that I ever started it. Living across three places (home, shop, boyfriends house) is a little crazy and nothing is ever where it should be. Running a shop is also a little crazy and takes up your entire being if you let it....which I more often than not do. It's always tricky trying to find a balance I guess...artist, designer, shopkeeper, girlfriend, friend, sister, daughter, aunty....Emily? (God knows how people cope with additional responsibilities of children....). It's even trickier when you're not feeling 100%. Coming up to 4 months now I have been ill with unknown cause and no diagnosis as yet, although yet another set of blood tests were sent off on Wednesday, so maybe something will show with the results next week...Even if I am never 'back to normal' it'd be a lot less frustrating knowing why and being able to work something out, although I've never been good at the work/life balance. How do you stop working when what you do is also what you do for fun? That's probably a stupid question and I kind of know the answer anyway...it's just allowing myself to have time off that's the issue. 


Anyway, before I go around in circles and start answering my own questions with questions and never really getting to the point (or any point) I will stop and just say I'm going to attempt to make more....more work (and more not work....), more clothes, more time for myself...(and stop using so many brackets)

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Well, things around here have been super busy, although Lost in The Forest has taken a back seat whilst The Spider and The Fly got going.

It's now time to start making again, not least because I finished my last day of my 'day job' at North Edinburgh Arts yesterday giving me more time and less icome!....I've been there a while, under many job titles. I started as a volunteer around 2 years ago and progressed through to Arts Coordinator...I'm sad to leave but excited at what the future holds (once I get images of failure and destitution from my mind!). It's scary, although I've always been self-employed or working on a freelance basis this is the first time I'm really out here on my own! It's totally what I needed to do though to make both Lost in The Forest and The Spider and The Fly (and Magpie!) develop and grow successfully! I'll be able to dedicate the time and energy required....and maybe start answering my emails in a timely manner and stop looking like I've had no sleep.

So, Lost in the Forest will be back out and about at selected markets and events – starting with Granny Would be Proud at Glasgows Hillhead Bookclub this Sunday! You'd think I might have given myself a break....

An online shop of somekind will be back up soon as well – although I'm still undecided between Etsy, Folksy, BigCartel or some other thing. Anybody have any preference, or positive/negative experiences of each? Maybe a combination of them, but that's never really worked out so well in the past....